the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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