Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
