Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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