how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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