I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
