don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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