things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
