so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
