Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
