i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
