Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
