Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
