Say something about gay babies.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
