Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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