i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
