I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
