i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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