Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
