I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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