I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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