last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
