Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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