Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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