at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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