Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
