my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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