mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
