I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
