saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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