I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
