omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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