If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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