i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just pynch a tree in the face
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
