I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
