The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
