I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
wanna go halves on a baby?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
