i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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