Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
