I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way