My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
