Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.