Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
