I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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