Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
