dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
