Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I faked an abortion last night.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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