I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
