I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
