I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
