He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
