i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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