Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
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I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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