he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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