I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
