I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
