Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
