I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
