omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
