Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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