all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
